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III
cozy in the rocket
August 26, 2007
// 12:52 AM
I am currently sitting on my nice comfy foam mattress from IKEA in my nice cozy room in my nice cozy apartment in cold crowded and noisy Berkeley. Yay for life for the next year! Not really. I'm only semi-excited. I dread being bored as hell. At least in the dorms, I was walking distance away from other human beings. I think I will be sad later that I didn't live on southside. Instead, I'm on westside. Big difference.
Caltopia was pretty fun, got a bunch of free stuff. I think the best of with was a clock. Yay! I took a whole bunch of Cal/Go Bears posters that I don't know what to do with now. I also won myself some Balls of Fury ping pong balls. A bunch of Milpitians were up here yesterday to play. It felt like I was at home! Then everyone left. Oh well. I have to get used to it some time. Man my money is running out so fast. I spent like $200 in 2 days. Stupid books. I forgot a lot of stuff at home too. Poo.
I watched Superbad today with Abhishek and Greg and company. It was pretty funny. The funniest part was definitely when some guy in the theater was cheering on "McLovin." Good stuff.
 So last week I went to San Francisco with Kevin. We went to the only place we haven't gone yet, which was the Golden Gate Bridge. It was sooo beautiful! We went to Crissy Field and took a wrong turn getting out and ended up reaching the viewing point for the bridge. We decided to walk on it until we hit the first tower. It was wonderful! Not to mention very windy. But it was wonderful nonetheless. There were a ton of people but it was nice. A foreign guy from Europe I believe asked me to take a picture for him. It was really windy and my hair got in the way of the picture when I took it. It was a disposable camera so I asked him if he wanted me to take another one for him but he said no. I felt bad. I hope I didn't ruin his picture. He was really friendly. Oh! While we were on the bridge we say windsurfers down below. Crazy asses. I can't believe they'd go so far in the ocean with just a damn sail.
 The day after a bunch of us headed over to Santa Cruz for a mini-roadtrip in replacement of a failed camping trip and failed LA/SD trip. Kevin almost killed us on the way over there but it's all dandy. Dallis' place was a block from the Boardwalk so that's basically what we did all day. That and beach and cook. We made use of just ONE knife, no microwave, no oven mits, no chopsticks or spatulas... it was really difficult but it was all fun. We drove up to UCSC too. That place was beautiful! It was about 8ish when we went up there so it was quiet. The bridges freaked me out and we saw deer!!! Three of them!! We sort of took a wrong turn and got lost but it was all good. Oh man, while in SC, we went to Fosters Freeze and I had a Cookie Dough Twister--basically the best thing ever made. I freaking love cookie dough now. I think I will get that next week when I go home. Freaking cookie dough ice cream at Safeway today cost $4!!! Ridiculous. It wasn't even Slow Churned. tsk tsk.
Alright, I'm damn tired. Goodnight!
III
GOOD FUCKING DEAL
August 22, 2007
// 8:43 PM
girl's last full day of real summer at home and she has an idea of how she wants to spend it: hang out with her friends and boyfriend at night and enjoy what she has left, because she knows this school year won't be pretty. it'll be ugly and it will be a stressful and emotionally draining year. girl wants to be happy for just one more day. girl gets ready after her parents leave to go to a friends house. girl thinks about calling boyfriend because he said he'd call after he got back from work. guy doesn't call 2 hours later. girl decides that guy probably forgot so she'll call him when she picks him up. girl takes a shower and gets ready. girl calls guy and guy ruins her day. guy forgot to call. guy forgot that he had told girl he'd be able to spend time with her. guy forgot he agreed to hang out with girl and her friends tonight. guy doesn't call to tell girl that he'd be late and wouldn't make it. guy forgot girl really wanted to spend time with him on her last day at home. guy somehow doesn't know why girl is so upset.
i just fucked up the book i sold today on half.com. it was labeled near perfect condition. i left it on the floor next to the envelope and bubble wrap it was suppose to go in. it was all fucking perfect.. until i threw a chair at it and bent the fucking cover. good fucking deal. my love my fucking life.
III
you know what i really don't like?
August 17, 2007
// 11:06 PM
I don't like it when people say "I don't know."
I know I say it, too, but it would just be nice for you to go find out the answer instead of just leaving with "I don't know." Seriously.
So I watched freaking High School Musical 2 just now. I missed the first part but you don't really need to know what happens. Pretty damn self explanatory. Boy did that movie remind me of someone or what. Everything but the ridiculously cute ending with Zac Efron. Gosh can they stop being so fucking cute. Breaks my damn freaking heart.
I'm really sad that school has to start. Actually, no, I'm pretty excited for school to start, but I'm really scared about how I'm going to feel to leave people again. I really need to stop being frustrated and just stop being really stupid. I wish I were really super awesome and had everything going for me. I wish I had everything I could ever want and I wish I could feel really special.
Fuck I need really good tv, really good nights, really good people with me, really good days, really good music, really good sleep, and a whole freaking lot of love that I seem to have lost somewhere along the way.
III
from the west coast to the northern lights
August 13, 2007
// 2:37 PM
The meteor shower was great last night. I wish I could've stayed out there longer. A couple of them that I saw were just amazing!! So pretty and bright! A bunch of us camped out at Rancho's field last night and lounged around looking towards the hills. A few people left figuring it was a little hopeless, but after they left oh my did we see some beautiful ones!!! They were absolutely wonderful! They made me really happy. There were one of two of them that I saw that were PERFECT: big, bright, and slow. Oh I wish I could see that every night. At one point they did start coming one every couple of minutes. Two came in a matter of 30 seconds. It was just great. I wish I could've just slept outside and watched them the whole night. They were got better and better as it got later and later. We saw the Big Dipper too. Finally in my life I know where to find the Big Dipper. I hadn't seen it before. Finally I've caught up with the times. haha..
 Anyways, as I was looking at the Perseid video on YouTube and I ran into a video of the Aurora Borealis aka the Northern Lights and if there's one thing I want to see before I die, it's that. Do you realize people who live in proximity to the Arctic Circle (Finland, Alaska, Canada, even US states along the Canadian border) see these things constantly? In some places you can see them nearly EVERY night. Can you imagine? EVERY NIGHT? I'm happy after seeing a couple of shooting stars last night, but to see the Northern or Southern Lights every night? I don't even know. I can't even begin to think about how happy and lucky I'd feel to see the Northern Lights just once. Oh my, it's so beautiful! I was captivated but YouTube videos on the Aurora Borealis and Aurora Australis and gosh, to imagine these people who are lucky enough to see something like that. Damn. Supposedly the Lights send off a frequency that can be picked up by a radio and theres a video where you can actually hear the Lights. Kind of freaky--a bunch of whistling and howling. But wonderful anyways!
I'm quite sore today. Oh well. I've gotten off my butt more often this summer than last which is good. Karaoke this week? Yipee. You know what song I really like? The Delays - You & Me. I like those kinds of songs that just make you excited.
Oh gosh, did I mention Djokovic beat Federer?!? Oh man. GOOD DEAL. I'm so happy about that. Although he beat Andy too, I mean, that's not a big deal considering the guy can beat Federer. Good freaking deal.
2 weeks from now, I'll be getting back from class. Oh goshhhhh. Say it ain't so. No way to express how sad I am about that.
III
为什么我不可以愉快一点？
August 12, 2007
// 7:43 PM
So, last night was a terrible terrible night and I totally saw it coming. I don't know why I got so upset. Actually, I do know why I was so upset. And I'm even more upset that nothing seems like the right answer anymore. It's either getting really pissed and upset or feeling really terribly bad and regretful. I'd rather forget yesterday night. If there was one day I'd take back this summer, it'd be last night or that night in July. Last night I got to bed at 1 something and attempted to fall asleep but failed miserably. Then around 3:30 I realized I still hadn't gotten a phone call, made me feel like shit. Tried again to go to sleep at 4:30, and I knew it wasn't coming. I was wide awake, really frustrated and slapping myself in the face because I wanted to do anything but allow myself to lay down and have my thoughts wander. I turned on my laptop and I talked to Dallis for an hour or so in my frustration. I wished I could get wasted really badly. I tried to go to bed at 5:30 after realizing my mom would be getting up soon for work and what do you know, I still couldn't sleep. So I laid there. With my head feeling like it was going to explode, I watched it get lighter and lighter in my room. I heard my mom leave for work and felt like I was doomed for the "night" and I was just going to call it quits for sleeping at 7. Finally, I fell asleep at around 7:30am.
Then. I woke up at 9:15am. with the intention of taking a jog/walk across Milpitas to visit Kevin. I figured the best way to forget that night was to just do something that'd make me happy and forget it happened. So I trekked 3 miles over to his house at 9:30 and got there a little bit before 10:30. I ran a lot less than I should've but the roads I took weren't exactly jogger-friendly. I planned to wake him up but my plan failed and he was already awake. Great.
Anyways. I think I've given this summer up. There's no way to turn it around and make it one of my best summers. Isn't that sad? This summer is a goner for me now. I literally have 2 weeks left until my first day of school. Please, just give me a break mother dearest and do not scold me any longer for staying out past 11:30; just give me a break god of sleep and do not give me any sleepless nights; just give me a break Telebears and stop screwing me over; just give me a break little thing of mine called my relationship, just let me be happy, let me spend time with the person that makes me happy. I don't want to be sad anymore this summer.
I want to spend a day in San Francisco and just relax there. I want to go to Crissy Field and have a picnic. I want my significant other to surprise me with flowers and I want to feel breeze from the ocean on a cool summer day with the sun out and bright. I want to stroll around Chinatown and smell the scent of cheap Asian goods. I want to eat real Chinese food and I want to see happy people at the park in Chinatown. I want to go to the pier and look at the beautiful bay. I want to see the sunset and I want to enjoy the city lights at night.
So could you just please give extra effort these next two weeks and get me out of this state of mind?
III
when does it stop
August 11, 2007
// 2:24 PM
 Last night, I watched The Bourne Ultimatum with Matt Damon and I must say, it was one of, if the not the best action movie I've yet to see. It was just amazing! Matt Damon is absolutely superb and the whole movie was just wonderful! I didn't want it to end, but you know, 10 dollar can only get you so much at a movie theater. Anyways, I highly recommend people watch this movie. You don't necessarily need to watch the Bourne Identity or Bourne Supremacy to understand it either, but I did and I guess it helps. Weird because the last scene in the Bourne Supremacy was literally cut and pasted into the middle-end of Ultimatum. I felt like I was watching Supremacy again, but then maybe they put it in Supremacy as a cliff hanger? Well, it doesn't matter, it worked in the movie anyways. So everyone go watch it. And go love Matt Damon the way I do.
Today will be a very interesting day indeed. I feel like I'm in for a very messy night. And all I want to do is enjoy my summer. I think it's taking too much work and effort to try to enjoy the summer the way I want. Somehow I just keep getting run over and if one thing isn't wrong, it's another. I don't get why I have such terrible fortune. I don't understand why although I work hard for something, I don't seem to get rewarded; I just keep getting more obstacles to go through and get myself more frustrated. I don't get it! I thought I was a pretty good person. Why can't I just be appreciated like every other girl in the world? I'm such a stupid idiot. I'm suppose to be happy during summer break! This is the time to not be sad. Gosh I'm so upset with myself.
Anyways, if anything good happens today, it will be the fact that I got onto the wait-list for Stats 20. Finally. For some reason, there were like 6 people who dropped out of it in a day. Shrug.
III
nadal makes me laugh
August 09, 2007
// 3:15 PM
 Okay, so I seriously have been meaning to blog, but whatever, I'm here now. I've finished work and luckily for me, I've been getting free cable the last 2 days. So during that time, I've been getting to watch TMS Montreal but unfortunately, Andy hasn't played since. Anyways, Nadal was on both times I got to watch and he is really funny. Every time he gets ready for a point he picks his wedgie and fixes his socks.  Anyways, I'm more convinced than ever that Nadal is the spitting image of Josh Hartnett. SERIOUSLY. And I'm not the only one to say it okay. The As It Happens column on Wimbledon.com also brought this matter up and everyone was saying that Josh Hartnett and Rafael Nadal are twins. Kevin told me Nadal looks like Apolo Anton Ohno. Ohhh no. They must be long lost brothers or something. I think it's the eyes. The eyes and the chin or something. Nadal definitely is a little chubbier around the cheeks, but anyways.. TWINS. But I must say, Nadal is not nearly as hot as Josh Hartnett is. That man is gorgeous. I wonder what he's been up to. I haven't heard of him in any movies or anything. Last thing I've heard is that he was dating Scarlett.. I think that's over now though.. Well after a little researching, apparently, one of his movies just came out: Resurrecting the Champ with Samuel L. Jackson. Hm. Doesn't look like it got too much publicity. Off topic but could you imagine calling Samuel L. Jackson.. just Samuel Jackson? Awkward.
You know what makes me sad? When I pass by little family owned businesses and see them without business. All these people work so hard the whole day and would be pleased to serve a customer but alas, they're without any business. Then you go into some packed food chain or what not and you get delivered some shitty service. What the world is coming to!
III
25 more days
August 02, 2007
// 10:13 AM
I told you I could be as happy as can be with a couple words. Sad. Very sad. But I'm still :)
Now that that's over with, I have to be sad about how I only have 25 days left until school starts. I wish time would move as slow as can be after I'm done with work. I need to make a trip to IKEA and to Berkeley before I move in. I really want to go socal still. I just want to do something. I need to make this summer better than last. Which.. would be really hard considering I've worked the majority of the time. You know what I can't wait for? Winterbreak. So I can go to the snow again and stay in a nice warm cabin. Gosh, I can't wait for that again. But for that to finally come around, I would have had to finish a semester of classes already and taken a set of finals, so no, let's not think about that.
I have one more day left of work after today. Greatness. I think they're gonna order Chinese food for my last day. Chinese chicken salad! ^_^ v
You know what else I can't wait for? Caltopia. Hot damn. Oh, that and the Cal football games. Exciting! But let's not think about school. Oh crap, my Telebears is soon.
Anyways. I went bowling yesterday and I sucked. Like beyond suckage. Why am I so terrible at it? The world will never know.
I basically blew my whole pay check for my half month of rent next month. I guess there's really no digicam in sight for me anymore. I'll just stick with my ghetto Sony Cybershot. I'm sad that all my money is going to go into my rent. Almost everything I earned will probably go into surviving next year. I have to remember to borrow my books from the library. I hope I learn to cook something decent soon. Hey, we should hold a little cooking day where we prepare to survive apartment-life and fend for ourselves! How envigorating! Actually, the only thing I can cook is garlic chicken alfredo and rice.
III
wan le
August 01, 2007
// 3:04 PM
You know what's sad? I woke up today and the first thing i thought was : ihml. No joke. It was the first thing I said when I openned my eyes. Every day just gets worse and worse. I just keep thinking how pathetic and weak I am and I roll out of bed and I look in the mirror and tell myself that things will work the way I want them to.. eventually. But I'm not going to kid myself anymore. I'm freaking pathetic and I really need someone to slap me. I finished dinner yesterday and really wanted to call. Like REALLY wanted to. I was on the verge to then I asked Ivy to lend her ear instead. I feel like a mess. Nothing is the way it was before. I feel like I can't finish anything I started and I feel like no one can help. Shit. I really hate myself right now. I REALLY hate myself. Can this just be over now? PLEASE? Can you just say that we're done playing this break game and be like we used to? I'm seriously dying. I get pounded at work with a billion things to do from 5 different people and I feel like all I want to do is step outside and call you. Then I realize I can't. And I look at what I'm doing and feel like I just want to get up and leave. You know how I always used to talk about routine and how everyday is the same? Right now, I feel so confused because everything is NOT the same and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I've just broken into 50 thousand pieces and am at a loss thinking how I'm supposed to put myself back together again. I feel stupid thinking you can put me back together again by just saying a few words and how you can break me into another thousand pieces if you say another few words. I'm fcking miserable, people. Don't ask how I'm doing.
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Name: ymmatammy
