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III
i'm going to take a nap after this
September 27, 2006
// 12:57 PM
Because this sums up basically these past few days..
tammy said: :-X
tammy said: maybe i should drop out of college and join the peace corps
tammy said: :-[
MatricityStorm: why???!?!?!!
Auto response from tammy said: okay that south african guy wasn't kidding.
it's all downhill from here. :-X
someone shoot me.
tammy said: because i'm stupid and i'm really tired of doing homework
tammy said: and not playing
tammy said: and not sleeping
tammy said: and
tammy said: not
tammy said: being happy
MatricityStorm: :-(
MatricityStorm: honey
MatricityStorm: a few mor days and u can have a lot of fun
tammy said: maybe you'll understand when you actually have homework
tammy said: uh huh
MatricityStorm: yea
tammy said: i just have to study for my midterms
tammy said: that's all
tammy said: no biggy
tammy said: it's not like that's going to be hard or anything
tammy said: ...
MatricityStorm: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
tammy said: i wish i were home
MatricityStorm: honeyyyyyy
MatricityStorm: =/
tammy said: just so i could cry
tammy said: and i wish you were home too
tammy said: so i could actually talk to you for more than 10 minutes
MatricityStorm: :-(
Two days ago, I cracked. I seriously felt like I wanted to kill someone. I hate not having my own room, doing what I want, when I want, and how I want. It's so hard to live literally with 30 other people. I can't even talk on the phone in privacy. At home, I could just walk in my room and close my door. Now, I have to search for somewhere where no will will venture. Two nights ago, I attempted to do my homework, only to be bothered by some annoying people outside getting on my nerves and screaming. I shouted for them to stfu. Then my mom calls me like 3 times to lecture me about giving her all my paper work before turning it in. I get pissed and go to throw away my cup of raspberry iced tea. I throw it, I miss, and raspberry iced tea adorns the bathroom floor a split second later. By this time, I give up and admit to myself that college just owned me. I clean it up and go to Eliot's room to rant and study and leave my roomie to talk to her bf on the phone in the room.
I wish someone I knew lived right across from me. That way, I wouldn't have to resort to calling Kevin all the time.
Yesterday night, I took a break from homework and went over to Ivy's dorm to watch Gilmore Girls with Karen and Mehr. It was cute, just girls watching Gilmore Girls. I freaking love that show. I love Rory! After that, I came back to my hell of a room and finished up my rhetoric outline.. which forced me to stay up until 3 in the morning. For some reason, I wasn't sleepy when I went to sleep and I couldn't sleep until 4. I got up at 9 in the morning and slumped out of bed.
The thing is. I never really wanted to go here. The only thing that was the decision maker was.. well.. it's Berkeley. I think that being the top public school can reasonably override many factors. I didn't want to come to a place so competitive and so uncomfortable... so unlike where I came from. It's a change in surroundings for sure. I think it was just too much of an abrupt change. Basically. This is how it is here:
Teachers asks a question, and you process the question, think of an answer and raise your hand. But by that time, that question has already been answered by one of the 10 people who raised their hand before the professor even finished asking the question.
How can anyone be comfortable with so much pressure and competition!? I'm having a breakdown and it's only been a month since school started. I'm sure this is going to be a thing of the past in a while, but still. It really sucks. I always think to myself that I should have just gone to Davis. Is trading 4 years of a comfortable lifestyle for a degree from Berkeley worth it? I don't know. Too bad I won't be able to figure that one out until I'm 30 or something.
To take a break from all this stuff, Ivy and I have planned an eventful next few weeks. Play time! I have learned to value my weekends.
III
is this suppose to be happening?
September 24, 2006
// 11:31 PM
So this weekend, I went home. I realized that I really didn't like life in Berkeley and I seriously wished that I could have that easy high school experience all over again. It's the complete opposite here. In high school, the people were bothersome, but I was flooded with homework and I hated most of my teachers/classes. Here, I feel so lucky to have such good teachers and to get the chance to learn about more than the same old history, english, math, science. But I really don't like the social life here. People are so into their studies, or too much out of them. When they relax.. they really relax. I wish I could have a balance of both. I don't know many people here, and it kinda sucks. Okay sure, I know some people, but I haven't made an effort to approach anyone and become friends. In class, I come in with my ipod buds in my ears and wait for 10 past the hour for my teacher to start lecturing. After class is over, I hop on out and go home. I really sincerly wish I could meet people and become good friends with them. I'm sort of hanging on to those I already had, thinking they're enough and all I need (because i <3 you guys so much). But I need to get in my head that I need more than that. I suppose I'll try to make an effort. I hate having nothing to do and seeing everyone else have so many people to go to.
Today I got to finally talk to Kevin and I guess I feel better. Sigh, now that he's in Davis .. and everyone else is at their respective schools, I won't have anyone to just call up at any random time. :[ Call me people. I'm almost never at class.. considering I only have like 14 hours of class a week.
I've been running at the "gym" with Ivy these past few days. It makes me feel better that I'm at least making an effort to exercise. Maybe I'll play tennis tomorrow.
I have to get a job. I like having hard earned money to spend on whatever I please. Buying things make me feel so guilty now. It didn't so much when I worked at Kumon and realized that I had money to spend. :O
Time to catch up on poly sci. People, I need addresses. I want to send you all things :D
III
i love the weekend
September 09, 2006
// 9:37 PM
So today was a doozy. I'm really tired and lazy as usual. I woke up on my first Saturday morning and I just felt like being more productve. Yesterday, I vacuumed, cleaned, painted my nails, and other stuff before I went to bed like at 3. I didn't feel like going to sleep when I could've so I just stayed up.. Arianna and Sam were away for the night so I had the room to myself. I woke up at 10 and did my laundry. Two loads :(. I watched ANDY WIN HIS SEMIFINAL while eating chinese take out. YEEEE. I loved it. I was so happy. I'm so proud off him!
Tomorrow he plays Federer. Great.
SOO. After all that, I went to the Cal game. It was quite fun. I really liked how spirited everyone was.. It's nothing liked that at MHS.. obviously. We really kicked ass. It felt pretty good. They sucked like the first 10 minutes though. Cal won 42-17. Pretty sweet. They have the strangest cheers! "Roll on you bears!!" what?!? haha. It was super cute though. The stadium was huge. The total attendance was 55,035. Pretty crazy. There was a huge Minnesota crowd too. When we were walking back, Willis and I totally lost Ivy :[ It was sad but then she found us a little bit later on. :]
Ohhh! Yesterday.. my sissy came over :D And then she left with her friends and Ivy came over at night with Anton and Derek. We attempted to play Cranium but we got totally confused to we stopped and just chatted. Derek is doing tennis@cal too so whoohoo.
I've had a pretty crappy couple of days. :\ Time to go do something worthwhile.
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Name: ymmatammy