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III
put me on a plane, fly me to anywhere
July 31, 2006
// 9:48 PM
Fair warning. This is fcking long ass entry to those who even read my whining. ---
I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about, but I have a lot of things on my mind. So much that it kept me up until 5 in the morning last night. That wasn't fun.
I tried to think of a new layout for this thing, but I'm in shit because I don't even have Adobe Illustrator or Adobe Photoshop on this thing (laptop).
Benson and David visited me this morning at the cafe. Thanks guys. :]
Then Nella and Bjay and Dallis and Jon and Kevin came. Party at the Little Table. heart.
Last night, I couldn't sleep. Probably because I was thinking in Korean after all these sappy movies and dramas. I don't know. There's just a shit load of things I can't stop thinking about.
I don't want to leave. Ever since I started elementary school, I was working up to this--to getting into a good college and making my parents proud and happy and making a living for myself, for my future family. When I was young, it was like everything was just planned for me. I didn't have to worry about anything, it was just the fact that I had to get an education. I couldn't really even think of another route. Now I'm going to Berkeley in less than a month and I'm probably going to be shitting scared when I get there. My sister always told me that I was always such a strong person, brave and not really scared of things. But as much as I always wanted to get away, to leave this stink of a place Milpitas, I don't want to have to get out of my routine.
Routine, routine, routine. I know going to college, going to class, studying hard and hardly studying is going to be routine in the near future, but I still don't know what to expect and I don't really want to face it either. I'm going to be living with two complete strangers and I just don't feel comfortable. I'm not in my comfort state and haven't been for the last couple of weeks.
I wish I felt the way I did a couple months into junior year. I'll never forget that feeling. I was so happy. I was enjoying my life and I felt like I could do anything, and there was nothing I was afraid of. Nothing but natural disasters. I didn't care about much and had no worries. I learned that things happen for a reason and that if things aren't meant to be, they just aren't meant to be. My state of mind was wonderful. I stayed that way for about a year and it just went downhill. Some people noticed that I wasn't the same. I always loved the sunshine and was just such a happy person. Since then, I've forgotten how to put myself in that state of mind. Either that, or, theres just no way right now I can be in that state of mind.
This whole cafe thing is just driving my entire family insane. It's hard sometimes because both my parents' tempers are just hanging by threads. I think they both thought this would be easier. To be honest, we're not doing that great, but I mean, we have to hang in there. Things don't come easy. But I know both my parents are just tired. My dad asked me the other day just to tell him if I wanted to continue with the cafe, and I immediately answered him, "No." Believe it or not, life was much easier back then.
I'm worried about how my parents will be when my sister and I are both gone. They can't go a day without needing my help. And with the cafe, it's going to be pretty damn hard for my dad to work there all day by himself. We need to hire someone, I know, but I don't think we can afford that. And my parents are getting old. My mom doesn't want to work anymore, but we can't really afford that either. She's our only steady income, but she's tired of working. My dad's real estate thing isn't steady but it helps. I don't want to bother them for money when I'm in college. I definitely need to get a job when I'm there. I just wish all of us could get a break. I think my family deserves it.
After all this, if theres one thing I learned this year, is that money really does make a difference. If we could afford all these responsibilities, we'd be better off, there's no doubt about it. If the money was there, my whole family would be in a happier state right now, that's for sure.
I'll have to leave a lot of people I really care about too, come the end of August. It makes me cry when I even mention it. I hate being alone by myself. If this were back in junior year, I wouldn't be feeling this way, but right now, I am. Only this summer did I really just feel like I caught up with some of my closest friends, and now it's over. Four years is a long time. School will be stressful, and I doubt anyone I just meet will be as good company as any of my friends. I'll come home every 2 weeks or so, sure, it's not that long, but Bjay.. Lenine, leaving us! And it's not like many people are staying in the Bay Area. And Kevin.. I can't even begin to tell you how much I've thought about it, and I have choices, but any way I go, it's going to suck. Shit this makes me so upset.
I don't know if anyone will or did read any of this. But it makes me feel a slight bit better that I wrote it down. It definitely goes deeper, but this probably isn't the place.
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Name: ymmatammy
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